I apologize in advance when I post on this blog again… possibly within the next week.

*beep-boop dee doo bleep*

I am now on my linux install. Cool beans.

Overall impression is that this album is ballersauce. I don’t like it as much as the original, but I’m still going to go through the process of listening to it a billion times (or maybe that’s done already? I must’ve listened to it at least 40 times in the past week). I pretty much disagree with the handful of reviews I’ve read completely, but it’s not like I’ve thought critically about this (not that that’s relevant anyways). I think the pitchfork review was mostly some guy trying to justify his ear’s attraction to the record, but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever read a pitchfork review that felt well thought out. I agree with the all music guy that some of the songs seem more like a demonstration of their progression in arrangements and sound recording than anything, but I think they largely pulled it off.

With that said, I’m largely mixed on a ton of things. First off, Christopher Owens’ voice is really comical at a lot of points (like the verse on “Die”). But I think that he’s pulled off these insane lyrics otherwise. It’s amazing how he can make pathetic and spiritual sound so smooth and non-grating to the ears. It may just be because of how sparse the vocals feel, but I’ll give him credit anyways. The other point of discussion is all of the throwbacks. I’m not an oldies connoisseur. Heck, I’ve listened to less than two new albums in several months so I’m not a connoisseur of any music at all at this point. Regardless, the album sounds like it could’ve been released in the 70s pretty easily. I think the use of gospel singers and organs was a far better throwback than the saxophone that I’ve heard on at least two new pop tracks (Katy Perry and Lady Gaga), though I’m not really sure they’re comparable at all. The guitar solos are both over the top and also awesome. I really enjoy some of them, but I can’t help but feel like a lot of the songs could be shorter… (maybe I’m just not one to appreciate instrumentals. I like singing after all, heh)

On a song-by-song basis  the album is also a mixed bag. I think their first single, “Vomit” is pretty dang amazing. Maybe a bit long, but pretty powerful. Or corny. At least that’s what one review thought of it and how every song had the same pacing. I can personally still enjoy it, but who knows, maybe it’ll bother me later on. “Alex” is funny and honest and a bit brutal, but I think the rhythm makes up for it. My favorite song is “Love Like a River”, but it is arguably a throw away track. I always end up picking the corniest and least meaningful song and pick it to be my favorite. But I mean come on, it’s fun as hell to sing and it’s hard to not enjoy the melody and background instrumentals at least a little. The closing track I also like just because I think of it as a sequel to “Lauren Marie” from the original.
On the other hand “Forgiveness” was forgettable to me. The lyrics reminded me of “The Sound and the Fury” to be honest, but the song felt apathetic, I’m not sure why. Speaking of the lyrics, the cover has all of the lyrics on them. I already found one mistake though which I’m not sure what it says about the production. I feel like it’s one of those things that shouldn’t be done wrong, but I’ve never made an album or a cover so… I dunno. I did enjoy the guitar in “Die” and it’s nice to have an upbeat song considering almost all of the songs are depressing. I mean… “Die” Is depressing as hell too, but at least it gets you a bit pumped up for death. For the rest of the songs there are always bits and pieces that I like, but my feelings on them change with each listen. It oscillates between wanting to skip it (and not skipping it) and enjoying the heck out of it. I don’t know what the fuck that chord progression is in “Saying I love you”, but I fucking hate it (and how ubiquitous it is). On the other hand, I like the how Owens’ voice makes absolutely no sense in this song. If it was something a bit cleaner and clearer and brighter it would sound… normal. Instead we have this strained and breathy voice. I dunno, I guess I like that part. But then again, I think the Chinese sounding crap at the end is sort of meh. I think I should really know what instrument it is, but I don’t know.  Okay, I just looked it up and the instrument I was thinking of was a “yangqin” I guess? It doesn’t really sound anything like that. Haha. ”Just a Song” has a really catchy chorus I think, but that’s all I remember about it. I guess I would say I oscillate less on it and mostly enjoy it. “My ma” is painfully slow and you sort of want the guitars to move it and for the chorus to shut the fuck up. But if you are in that painfully slow mood then it hits a spot… especially the droning in the background. OH GOD I’M SO LOST // I’M OUT HERE IN DARKNESS. It’s not that bad though… somehow. Finally, “Magic” is actually upbeat and an earworm. But, it’s sort of boring at the same time and you get sick of the sound by the end of the song. It may be the only song that doesn’t have lyrics that sound completely over the top though and it gets praise for that.

This is also sort of random, but I was 99% sure Christopher Owens was gay. I thought I read it on the wiki page when I listened to the first album so when I heard him sing about girls the entire album I got really confused. I thought maybe it was part of the character of the album. I hypothesized that maybe the entire thing is just a farce. It’s not from the point of view of a lover, but of someone extremely pathetic. I wanted it to be that so I can relate to it, but alas… I mean, if he was gay it’d probably because he wouldn’t want to ruin the integrity of the music by making the sexuality of the singer the focal point of every song, but you know, mind runs wild and shit.

I feel like I had a lot of negative things to say about this album, but that’s because I don’t think it lends itself to being enjoyable. I honestly think most people will be turned off pretty instantly to this cut, and that’s too bad because it’s worth at least a few listens.

Big thanks for the Girls for giving me something to enjoy for at least another week.

2. I remember when I didn’t have a strong libido and I could just look at something and observe its aesthetic qualities. I only just realized now that when I am looking through a set of photos, I pretty much just look for girls. It’s sad. I don’t want to be that lame of a guy so I’ll try not to do that anymore. If I don’t have an interest in the photos at all, then I just won’t look at them.

“I went to Applebees and got riblets, and the waiter said for $20 we can get two entrees and an appetizer. So…”

“I made the greatest mac ‘n cheese I’ve ever made a few weeks ago. Giant Eagle has their own brand of Velveeta and it melts so easily. When you take it out of the package it is so soft it’s hard to cut”

“…and it was making me sick, but I kept eating. I thought, “what’s wrong with me?” And I thought maybe if I throw up it’ll teach me a lesson”

“Burger King’s the only place we can go because it has the veggie burger”

I always think that my paranoia and social anxiety is awful but this sounds so much worse.

I’m so sad

http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/kjne0/after_i_saw_maturation_of_an_artist_i_decided_to/

In particular the comments in this thread:

http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/kjne0/after_i_saw_maturation_of_an_artist_i_decided_to/c2ktc2d?context=10

LOLOLOL. Fucking sad

I’m afraid of a lot of things and it feels like it’s been that way forever. I wonder if it’s something inherit to my person that I always seem to find something to be terrified of. When I was younger I was afraid of my parents. In elementary school I was afraid of other kids. In 5th grade I found out that people hated me and I developed a fear of being disliked that is still crippling to this day. I’ve never been on a rollercoaster. I wouldn’t say I’m still afraid now, but it was certainly the reason when I stood in front of a roller coaster entrance a decade ago. I still have a fear of heights. I’m afraid of drowning (I suck at swimming). I remember I did the deep pool test in 6th grade, but for some reason that didn’t help me conquer that fear and I never did it again. I have a strong fear of rejection. It’s intuitive to me not to be friendly to people since the possibility of them not liking me has convinced me. There are two exceptions to this: 1. People who are very shy or quiet I don’t mind being friendly to, 2. People who seem uncompromisingly friendly. The former makes sense because there’s no risk, right? The probability that someone without friends would reject friendship is pretty low. There are cases of that obviously, but usually it’s okay. I guess it’s also this weird notion of human ranking I have so that even if they reject me I don’t really hold them in high esteem so it doesn’t matter. Something like that, I guess. The second case is also pretty clear, though I have a particularly vivid memory of when it bit me in the butt.

I realize now that it’s not really fear or at least not just fear, and I know for sure that I’ve written about this second topic–a feeling of inadequacy. The two are pretty closely related so it’s probably not worth distinguishing them. Obviously I’m not very capable of valuing self-worth internally so I do it externally. Making a friend or at least someone who likes me (it’s irrelevant whether or not I like them) means that I pass their test. Well, actually, I guess this is where fear comes in. I don’t really care if someone likes me (assuming I am indifferent to them), as long as they don’t dislike me. Disliking me is marking me as inadequate, but mutual indifference is fine. Mm, that’s pretty rational though isn’t it? Well, the latter at least.

There are two thoughts that were the impetus for this long and boring post: 1. If I am so afraid of being rejected, why don’t I take criticism well? That is, why is my dad’s claim that I only respond to punishment, true? 2. What drives my feelings of intellectual inadequacy? And why aren’t those feelings sufficient for me to get to where I want (need?) to be? Honestly, I don’t have an answer to either of these–they are ‘open questions’ so to speak. Let’s define what I mean in the first. As with all definitions, I don’t know the definition and can pretty much only work with examples. Criticism like, “your running form can be improved if you land flatter on your foot” is fine. I think criticisms relating to my programming are fine. I think things I treat rationally can be critiqued fine because, well, I’m rational about them. Things I’m largely irrational about, like music, criticism makes me uncomfortable. This is true for most people though. Also, I would say that criticism + embarrassment is the most unpleasant of all, but, again, that’s common. It feels ironic to me, then, that that is the most common form of criticism. People don’t really say anything until they explode at you it seems. Though it is equally or more likely that I don’t even process criticism that doesn’t hurt. Hmm. Another deadly flaw of mine that I don’t think I’ve talked about is stubbornness. I think that the many times I’ve talked painfully and at length about how people should be more logical is more my stubbornness. I think it’s absolutely true that I am more logical than a lot of people. But I think it’s been very hard for me to realize that I’m incredibly illogical about a lot of things. I’m superstitious, for one. The other is that in almost all things I work off impulse or intuition (how I judge people, how I play games, how I decide what is good and bad). Well, I guess my claim before is wrong. I don’t talk at length about how people should be rational. I talk at length about how people should enjoy arguing more (just because I do). Which is consistent because if I feel something to be true, I like arguing for it and others don’t. That frustrates me to no end. Still, I think it’s important to understand that I’m illogical about a lot of things, and, to return to the original point, that stubbornness is an example of this irrationality. If I’m doing something and am told not to, I seem to always reply that, “I’m right and you’re wrong.” Haha. It would be awesome if I said that instead. It’s usually more like, “don’t bang the window, you’ll break it.” And then I’ll say, “it’s not gonna break!” But it’s like, what’s the point? I don’t even know that that claim is true. I just didn’t want to be punished I guess. Ah god, punishment. Why the hell did my parent’s chastisement scar me for life? It’s not even a horror story, but I guess that’s why I have some semblance of normalcy. I guess this links well with the second part (of the first number) which is that I respond exclusively to punishment. Verbal punishment makes me go into this ridiculously submissive mental state that I can’t even recall a distinct memory. I feel like my brain doesn’t even bother remembering those moments, but I have some sort of collective memory of all the times it’s happened. I do remember being yelled at for being snobby. I remember that I tried not to do it as much from then on, but I don’t remember the feeling. That feeling of not only embarrassment but complete clarity. Knowing that you’ve done something wrong makes changing so much easier. So the point is that in that mental state, acceptance is way easier. When something becomes logically coherent to me, I can act on it (I think). Criticism doesn’t work on me because I can’t argue for it until someone does it for me. I have started trying to argue for it, but it’s only at times of complete depression when I am trying my darndest to criticize myself. I think, because of that, none of those conclusions ever get through to me. I wipe all of those sad thoughts away when I actually have the ability to enact change in myself. Seriously though, it pisses me off that I can’t always be in a clear mental state. Precisely when I need to change the most is precisely when I am least capable of doing it. It’s hard, it really is. I want to do it, and, for once in my life, I think I actually need some advice. There are a couple factors that are crippling me from not being crippled and I don’t know how to get rid of them.

Anyways I’m spent. I’ll talk briefly about the second topic just because I’m a completionist. I don’t think I have any new insight about my feelings of intellectual inadequacy. I think I work pretty hard to be smarter. I’m certainly lazy about some things, but I think those mostly prevent me from programming as well as I want. I think maybe I’m just wrong about my progress. (Though god knows I will never be competent at probability and will never be ingenious enough for anything other than trivial proofs by induction or contradiction.) I do think that since my interests are too widespread and too disjoint that I will never be as good at math or CS as I want to be. And by widespread and disjoint I mean that it’s my nature to be completely irrational. It’s impulsive to me to do irrational things and somehow I’ve convinced myself of my own rationality. That’s insanity to me. Regardless, I think I can learn to enjoy this pursuit, no matter how frustrating it is. Ultimately, I still like proofs a lot. They are fun to think about and really clever. I trust in myself to enjoy the proof’s cleverness for its own sake. Trust in myself, heh

Post of arbitrary length about Girls’ new album Father, Son, Holy Ghost is coming (as long as I don’t forget). Suffice it to say I am enjoying the fuck out of it right now. How timely for such a sad sounding album to find its way to me

I’ve been keeping up with my running. Not increasing distance much unfortunately, but even 2-3 miles every other day is pretty good I think. I’m getting faster and it’s less painful, not much more else I can ask for.

Rilo Kiley announced dead last July . I’m amazed at Sennett’s harsh words after they’ve done mostly nothing in the past four years? Or maybe they’ve been doing some recording and every session is awful. Who knows?